BLEULOGY - A EULOGY TURNED INTO A BLOG

​Bleulogy - Joanne Ellen Petrangelo – Words of Remembrance

December 22, 1954 - July 17, 2017

​The core of this blog is what I said during my mother Joanne Petrangelo’s eulogy (words of remembrance) at her funeral on July 22, 2017.  I called this a “bleulogy” because I incorporated my eulogy into this blog.  I share these words for those who could not attend the funeral and to share the joys, sorrows, and lessons of her life. Parts of the eulogy have been adapted and added to for this format.

My mom had two motto’s:

1. You ought to hug somebody at least once a day. (This comes from Michael Franti’s song, “Once a Day”); and
2. “Live, Laugh, Love”

Hug Two People a Day

Consider hugging two people a day. There is research to back up my mom’s motto. A 2015 study from Carnegie Mellon University showed that hugs can have health benefits. The study’s lead author Professor of Psychology Sheldon Cohen stated, “Hugging protects people who are under stress from the increased risk for colds that are often associated with stress. Hugging is a marker of intimacy and helps generate the feeling that others are there to help in the face of adversity.”

Therefore, on the wise recommendations of my mother, for your own health, and to reduce the chances of getting a cold, consider to hug at least two people per day: 1) someone close to you and; 2) someone else in your life you need to grow closer to. My mom loved hugs. I will be the first to admit, I have not been the best with hugs in the past, so I will be working on that as well.

Live and Love – 2 parts of “Live, Laugh, Love”

When you spend time honoring the dreams of Joanne Petrangelo, you are standing up for the things she believed in. When you do the things she loved to do, you are saying, “Joanne’s life continues to touch my life.”

I believe that my mom has left her body but she has not left us. The day before the funeral, Todd got a call from a very respected member of our community. One of the things that he said to Todd was, “I want you to know that your mother-in-law was one the top 5 kind-hearted people who ever lived in this community.” Many people have made similar comments to my dad, my brother and me.

Ask yourself, “Are you part of the 5 most kind-hearted people in your community?” “What would it take for you to be a part of that top 5?” “What are the characteristics of a human to be considered part of the top 5 most kind-hearted people?” “Could you imagine if we all became part of the 5?”

Use your memory of your time together with her as a motivation to keep growing and becoming a better person yourself. Your actions towards growing as a better human yourself offers Joanne continued love. For today and after, be devoted to being a living reflection of the dreams and love you shared with Joanne who has passed on.

One thing that my mom could NOT stand was having an issue with someone and not talking about it. She could NEVER fake a relationship and act like nothing was there, if something was. She ALWAYS dealt with her “elephants in the room.” I always joked, “Good thing you never lived in the southern part of the US. You would be expected to just be a good southern woman and just smile and act like everything was ok.”

Therefore, to be real to who she was, I will not “fake it” and will  "real” about her and her life. Many people don’t know how painful her childhood was. She did not just get married at 16  because she found her prince and love in my father John Petrangelo. She left home at such an early age because she had to. She was so fortunate to find a loving man in my father, who she was married to for 46 years.

Knowing that she had so much pain and hurt in her childhood is important. Think about it. Here you have a woman who had an incredibly painful childhood and NEVER transferred that pain onto other people in her life. She only gave love. So, for those of you who have also had painful childhoods or traumatic experiences in your past, know that you don’t have to live out that pain by hurting others.

You should know, therapy helps. It really did make a big difference for my mom. She even said to me one time “Therapy saved me.” She utilized a therapeutic technique called EMDR.

My mom hated when there was conflict between people that she loved. She could not stand it. Therefore, I know that there is conflict between a number of people in our community and our family. Live her legacy by being the one who comes forth and works to repair that relationship. This is the most significant way in which you could keep her legacy alive.

When I was thinking of what I was going to say at her funeral and what to write in this blog, I knew I wanted to tell you to make up with people you have conflict with in her honor. That same day I found myself getting two texts from two separate people giving their sympathies about my mom. My first thought after getting those texts was, “I am NOT responding”. And then, there it was! See how easy it is to stay in conflict. It may have taken me a few days, but I did respond to both of them in a genuine and kind way the night before my mom’s funeral.

LAUGH

My mom also loved to laugh! Laughing was a huge part of her life! Have you ever read a Caring Bridge like hers before? We always had SO much fun writing those – often at the expense of my dad!

My childhood and the childhood of my brother was so far from my mom’s. In fact, she only recently shared with me the details of the violence and abuse that took place in her childhood home. When she first told me about it, I was so shocked. My shock was based in the fact that she was such a remarkable woman and NEVER transferred her childhood pain onto me, my brother, my father, or anyone else.

A lot of my friends work in the domestic violence field. I remember one particular time when we were all together and we were talking about our childhoods. I told the following story and life experience to my co-workers:

“My mom was just the best. She did everything for me. In fact, up until my last day of high school when I was 18 years old my mom was my alarm clock. Every morning at 7 a.m., she would come into my room, gently rub me on the shoulder and say, ‘Melissa, it is time for you to get up.’ She was so gentle in her actions when waking me. I would wake up and go to the kitchen. On the kitchen table was a plate with Eggo waffles on it. The Eggo waffles were toasted, buttered, cut into perfect squares, and had syrup on them. Mom’s are just the best!”

I will never forget the look on my co-workers face after I told this story. One of them said, “Are you kidding me? You were 18 years old, a senior in high school, and your mom still cut up your food for you? Um, no! Not everyone had a mom like yours. Your official new nickname at work is the ‘Waffle Princess!’”

I remember this moment in my life very clearly and realizing for the first time that not everyone had a mom like I did.


There are a number of fun and simple ways you can carry on my mom's legacy. For example:

• Use lots of ziplock baggies. For EVERYTHING. And make sure you rustle through them often. When we went to the Boundary Waters Canoe Trip with 8 women and a Catholic priest she packed everything in ziplock baggies. One night, she was rustling through her ziplock baggies late at night for about 30 minutes straight for the third night in a row. One of friends in her 5 person tent jokingly said to her, “Bitch, if you rustle through those ziplock baggies one more time I will throw you in the lake!”

• For heavens sake, put on your night cream and keep your eyelids moist. On my mom’s last nights in the hospital, she had asked to me get her overnight bag. I said, “For what?” She said, “I need to put on my night cream and need to keep my eyelids moist.” I quickly replied, “Um, no. You have a five inch incision on your head from having a brain tumor removed. I am not letting you put your night cream and eyelid cream on tonight. The risk of bacteria is too great.” She was SO mad at me. And she was not joking. If she could have gotten out of bed and wrestled it from me, she would have. So in her honor, where your night cream and keep your eyelids moist.

• Get crafty and accessorize. Get crafty with your house, your style and your photos. But measure, measure again, and measure one more time before doing anything crafty and using glue! Wear a fancy belt, ring, bracelet, necklace or all of the above!

• Celebrate Halloween this year like you never have before. My mom LOVED Halloween. For the last 6 years she has held a free neighborhood Halloween party. She turned her woods into “spooky woods” with a haunted trail for small children to walk through. She had Halloween games with prizes and the most adorable Halloween themed food at her party. My mom was an organ donor. The only organ she was able to donate was her eyeballs because of the condition of the illness she had. As a family, we joked that we should have taken her “sticky eyeballs” from her haunted trail and put those in her body!

• Celebrate birthdays like you never have before. My mom LOVED celebrating birthdays in a really big way! The day of my mom’s funeral was my brother’s 42nd birthday and the birthday of my cousin Leeann. Bake homemade cakes for your family members and friends.

• Only eat 6 Cheetos every day. Yes, you have that right! Every day for lunch at Custom Lettering she brought a homemade sandwich and ate only 6 crunchy Cheetos with her lunch. Next time you have lunch, try to eat only 6 crunchy Cheetos.

• Don't judge those who are addicted to smoking. Be helpful. Because my mom died of lung cancer, which was likely caused by years of smoking, don’t be too hard on yourself if you smoke, have smoked in the past or shared smoking time with her. She was clearly addicted. We know through her struggle that it is hard to quit smoking. Don’t judge other people for their addictions, especially smoking. Find out how you can help. My mom had some of her most intimate talks with friends and family while smoking. If possible, keep the closeness of those talks and find a way to stop smoking. But you won’t find judgement from anyone in our family if you continue to smoke. Our mom believed that judgement was never a motivator to get anyone to change.

• Don’t exclude women just because of their gender. We know it is untraditional, but two women were traditional pallbearers at my mom’s funeral. We said, “If they can carry those heavy canoes that Fr. Ryan made us carry in the Boundary Waters, they sure can help carry my mom’s skinny self!”

and

• Put your lipstick on. For crying out loud women, never leave the house before you put your lipstick on. My mom loved lipstick so much that she had lip liner tattooed on her lips. Strong women do wear lipstick!

To my dad……..you are right. Your wife and my mom truly was an angel. I have heard my dad tell many people in the last week, “God wanted an angel that day, so he took my wife and their mother!”

So today and hereafter, devote your life as a demonstration of how deeply you have been touched and loved by Joanne. Because I know that she truly loved every single one of you.

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Writing all of those Caring Bridge posts with my mom has inspired me to write my first book with my mom’s life story as the core content. It will be called, “Non-Transferable on Da Range: A Memoir.” It is a metaphor for how my mom never transferred her childhood experience onto others while living on “da Range.” The tone of the book will have a mixture of humorous tales, my mother’s childhood experience, and life lessons she lived and taught our family. I have no idea how long this will take me. Stay tuned!

This photo below came from thinkgrowprosper on Instagram.  This image and art represents our innate and authentic self that wants to resolve conflict.

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